An interesting thing is happening. My voice, which is not very large or intrusive to begin with, has left me completely, and I cannot speak beyond a whisper. I struggle with pushing air out through my vocal chords as I usually do, but alas nothing comes out except a whisper. I can bellow my lungs with air, and rapidly and forcefully blow it out! But my vocal chords have locked themselves in an ice casing, and are unaffected by the urgings of my breath, and it appears that they mean to remain so. There is no pain accompanied with this. It is as if my voice has run away for a time. It is funny to be in the same room as Anne, in our tiny little house, and I have to move in close proximity (mostly within around 3-5 feet) so that she can hear me whisper, 'What kind of eggs would you like?'. Or, if she wants to have a conversation with me, she must hunt me down wherever I am in the house. It is a bit like playing Marco-Polo - she will keep repeating the question, as she searches for me, until she hears my whispered response. I remember playing that in the pool with my sisters and friends growing up - one of us who was 'it' would close their eyes and search around the pool with their arms outstretched trying to tag everyone else in the pool while the other people swam away. The only trouble with this game, is that even though you yell MARCO! you cannot always hear if there is a POLO out there. In my case, Anne unfortunately has to blindly wander around the house until she finds me, unless I go to her.
One thing that I am finding is that I can express myself whenever I want! The 'catch' is (and I am not quite sure yet whether it is a 'catch' or not...I am still living inside of it and exploring this phenomenon) that even if I do express myself, I am not guaranteed to be heard or understood. Sometimes, I am not even noticed. All in all, I am not quite sure how to feel about this. I am not bothered by the inconvenience of it yet, and I find it to be a little freeing because I now do not have to talk. Even with my normal vocal range, I at least have people constantly bending an ear towards me saying, 'Huh? What did you say?' But now I have nothing. In my interactions today, I got into the elevator and said nothing, though I formed the words. That is how all of my interactions have been today, and it feels a little surreal - almost like when you are watching a film and you speak to the characters and they cannot hear you. Those who have interacted with me today and have heard my whisper do not expect me to talk. It is refreshing. But others who do not know me, and expect me to be able to talk like any normal person (because that is what people do) seem to shoot me frustrated looks or look at me like I am the rudest of all human beings on the planet.
I have found a higher appreciation for listening to and paying attention to the things around me again, since I cannot fill the void with my own voice. Also, I cannot argue, so disagreements are not 'settled' using words, but by other means. Someone makes a statement, and if I do not agree with it, I cannot object to it immediately except by frowning and shaking my head, or biting my lips as I stare intently at them in a disgruntled way. It makes me stop and think about how I can express my point of view...and what exactly is my point of view? While I am at it, why do I disagree with the statement? So, my summation is this: in order to express something without words, you need to know the root of it inside of you, so that you can then interpret it into an entirely different language, sans voice, and convey your ideas. It is like trying to express 'loud noise' in a photograph. The next step is trying to then express why you like or dislike loud noise - again, in a photograph.
This experience is reminding me of when I was a very little girl and had nothing to say so I barely spoke at all.
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