I thought about sending this as an email, but I decided that this would be a better way and everyone can access it easily if they choose (or not, if they don't choose). Besides, no one but family reads it, and I am fine with being open now. I am still getting used to it, but that is all part of growing ::smiles:: So...

How does one live in "expectancy" and not "expectation"? I am reading a book and two ideas that were stated jumped out of the page and literally clopped on my heart like a tar on a railroad tie and have been there ever since. I must admit that it made me think...to moil and examine myself so much. These things I had never really thought of before.

In a book I am reading, God is talking to a man named Mac, and God says,

“And as my very essence is a verb…I am more attuned to verbs than nouns. Verbs,
such as confessing, repenting, living, loving, responding, growing, reaping, changing,
sowing, running, dancing, singing, and on and on. Humans, on the other hand, have a
knack for taking a verb that is alive and full of grace and turning it into a dead noun or
principle that reeks of rules: something growing and alive dies. Nouns exist because
there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of
nouns, it is dead. Unless ‘I am,’ there are no verbs, and verbs are what makes the
universe alive.”(p.204).
I admit that I understand all the words that are spoken, but...as far as how much that means I am still moiling over that. I remembered the song, "Luv is a Verb" by D.C. Talk from my childhood. All of the lyrics came pouring back to me as I contemplated this something that had apparently been planted in me at a very young age but had been laying dormant inside me waiting to germinate. So now it is now in the germination season as I am learning what that means and put it to action...the VERB-ness of it all!

A little later in the same book I read,

“Let’s use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun
can drastically alter a relationship…if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that
exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy
of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it
is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique
gift shared by no one else. But what happens when I change that ‘expectancy’ to
‘expectation’ – spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship.
You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living
friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no
longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the
responsibilities of a good friend.”(p.205).
“Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and
they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for
identity and value. You know well what it is like to not live up to someone’s
expectations.”(205).
WOW! This stunned me and stumped me! As i think about my relationships with people, I realized that I do this quite often...that I "expect" them to be a certain way instead of living in that state of "expectancy" and how damaging that can be on my end. By living that way, I have not allowed people to grow and to change as they were created to, and I also stump my own growth by stubbornly resisting to allow them freedom to move. The result was (and is) that when I live in this state of "expectation" I do feel judged even if I am not, and I am ultimately not living in the love that God has for me to live in...the love I was meant to live. I am not saying that I never lived in love! No! I have loved as deeply as I thought my heart could love! And, at that time it was true. You can only love as much as you know because you do not know anything else! But once you become aware of a new level of understanding, it is up to you to approach it and either drink it or ignore it as you choose. That is the beauty of it all, and also the beast of it all: The "Beautiful Choice". But what I am saying is that I have wanted to grow and have "expected" people to simply accept the fact that I was growing but did not completely reciprocate that in others' lives. Everyone also knows that I have always had a very hard time accepting love that others would give to me...and give me freely. I kind of always felt that I was almost not worthy of it or I would live in that state of "expecting" the "other shoe to drop". So I figured it was simply better for me to not accept it. But I have since begun accepting this love that people show me (though at times it is difficult, and at other times because I am so used to NOT accepting it that I fall back into what I've always done, even and especially when I should not).
So, with all that said, I sigh and breathe deeply and pause. ......There.......I have laid my cards out on the table. I have opened my chest and you can see my inside. In love I lay this before you all. To let you know that I love you and that I appreciate all that you have done and are doing for and with me, and for all of the support and faith that you all are putting in me especially as I go through nursing school. I ask that you be patient as I learn to accept love as you give it. One of my dear friends reminded me the other day that, "it is not the path that we take, but it is how we take the path that we are on". So I also ask that you are patient with me as I learn to allow you to grow and walk the path that you are on just as I grow and walk on my path. And as I learn to love you with "expectancy" instead of "expectation" ::smiles::